Loss is a universal experience and grief is its expression in the human heart. Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, but the normal response to the absence of that which was, and continues to be, deeply loved. The more significant our relationship was with what we have lost, the more intense the grief may be.
Making our way through grief may be the most difficult work we will ever be called to do and it cannot be done by anyone else. We must assume the task of saying goodbye and releasing what we have loved and cherished. With grief the question is usually the same: “Who am I, now that this has happened to me?” The answer to that question is the process of grief and the process of healing.
The most acknowledged work related to the experience of grief was done by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. In her book On Death and Dying she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis. As time passed, health care professionals applied these stages to recovery from any loss. In years of working with grieving people I have found that while the stages are very helpful, people move through them in different sequences. They may pass through a stage, only to return to it at a later time. It is best used as a guide and not as a definitive set of expectations and evaluation of progress.
The stages are:
- Denial (This isn’t happening)
- Anger (How could this happen to me?)
- Bargaining (Take this away and I’ll…)
- Depression (Why go on?)
- Acceptance (This is the truth I must face)
In terms of daily living these stages manifest themselves as numbness, disorganization and, eventually, reorganization.
Grief has no set time frame. We will forever remember and miss those that we love and places we have lost. Years may go by and we will suddenly be caught in a time long ago. A close friend who had lost her son described it to me this way: “It was far away, but forever yesterday.” We need to be patient with ourselves and with those who have suffered loss. Pain shared is pain divided. No two people respond the same way. Their relationships were different, their circumstances were different.
To help facilitate recovery in ourselves it is helpful to:
- Acknowledge the loss: journaling about what we lost helps to identify the reality of our experience
- Embrace the pain of the loss: allow full expression of emotion when in a safe environment
- Remember the person who has died or that which you have lost: share memories and feelings with a close friend
- Seek and receive ongoing support: do not be ashamed to admit you need help
As Christians we can sometimes feel that to give in to sorrow is not being spiritually minded. Yet it is when we suffer that we are closest to the redemptive power of the cross. The safest place in the war against sorrow is in the arms of Jesus. When life has hit us with an incomprehensible devastating blow we can feel that God is distant. We need only look at the heart of our God:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4)
There is to be a future glory for God’s children: “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us“ (Romans 8:18). Paul tells us that the sum of our destined glory far outweighs our present trials.
Yet there are many times when our current situation so overwhelms us that we despair of a future glory. There are times that we question the process by which we are arriving at eternity. Humility in the presence of divine providence is not always easy.
We must remind ourselves that if we suddenly had the power to have it the way we think it should be, we would not have the wisdom to use it. God promises us one thing: the triumph of His purpose. To those who have responded to His call to purpose, He promises that good can be brought out of every circumstance (Romans 8:28).
Grief is the price we pay for love. To my sisters who are suffering grief at the present time; I know that you have loved much. I encourage you to draw near to Jesus. Picture him wrapping his arms around you, offer him your sorrow. You will not always feel like this… the God of love will heal you.
